22 thoughts everyone has whilst on a diet

It’s happened, you can see an extra roll emerging over the top of your jeans and you can’t actually remember the last time you used your gym membership aside from that time you just sat and chilled in the Jacuzzi for an hour, so you do it, you tell yourself that you’re going on a diet.

  1. I’m going on a diet tomorrow, that’s it, it’s happening. Wait, maybe I should order a Chinese now to get it out of my system, that way I won’t crave it whilst I’m supposed to be eating healthily. Right, RIGHT?
  1. Also, I should definitely get me a juicer; everyone’s juicing these days. Ooh, what about one of these NutriBullet thing everyone has?
  1. A HUNDRED POUNDS FOR SOMETHING THAT WHIZZES UP SPINACH?! Still want one, desperately. Sob.
  1. Anyway, this diet’s going to be so easy this time, I’m definitely going to stick to it because I’ve eaten so much rubbish recently that actually I’m basically just craving fruit and vegetables anyway.
  1. I’m going to download MyFitnessPal too and keep track of my calories properly. Hang on, why does it say I only have 300 left for the entire day? It’s only 11.30am, something must be wrong, I must have broken it. This is stupid.
  1. I’m so hungry I think my stomach might actually be eating itself.
  1. I reckon I’m supposed to be curvy, maybe this is actually my natural body weight and I shouldn’t fight it.
  1. Or OMG, what if I have some sort of illness that makes my metabolism really slow? I definitely think I have one; maybe I should Google it a bit instead of doing my work.
  1. Maybe I should buy some jazzy new bright coloured trainers to inspire me to wake up at 6am every day and go running. It has to be done, it’s for the greater good.
  1. Oh and also a new pair of jeans in a size smaller, to y’know, motivate me.
  1. And hang on, should I be buying things like acai berries and chia seeds and almond milk? Do they even sell them in Tesco?
  1. Oh, or maybe I should join HerbalLife. Everyone’s doing it on Facebook and Twitter or whatever. Maybe this is where I’ve been going wrong before.
  1. Ooh and what’s this BooTea all the celebs are banging on about? A tea cleanse does sound easy. I do like tea, like a lot.
  1. Right, I’ve signed up for yoga, power plate, zumba and body blitz at the gym this week, size 8, let’s be having ya.
  1. I bet I become one of those people that show off their abs on Instagram with hashtags like #fitspo and #eatclean and the whole world becomes jealous of my health and hotness.
  1. That’s it, I’m having have my 7th herbal tea of the day to take the edge off. Lord, give me strength. Give me all the strength.
  1. I’m going to buy sushi for lunch and some sort of green smoothie and everything will be right in the world. What do you mean that’ll be £9.43? Why is being healthy so flipping expensive?
  1. OMG, what I’ll do is go shopping tonight and buy loads of vegetables and make homemade soup to take to work every day. Healthy and cheap. Genius.
  1. This tastes like a baby ate some pureed food and then threw it up again. I think I’ve hit a life low. Someone hold me. Someone tell me it gets easier.
  1. Wait, did someone just say something about free Krispy Kreme doughnuts for the whole office? I mean, maybe I could just eat half of one and then go to a spinning class after work. Yup, that’ll work.
  1. If I’ve already had those two doughnuts then I may as well have pizza for dinner tonight and maybe a starter and some chocolate pudding and a whole bottle of red. I’ll start again tomorrow, it’ll be fine.
  1. Hang on, WHY HAVEN’T I LOST ANY WEIGHT?

 

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