Man Flu - What You Need To Know
Our usual Wednesday morning blog from The Man About Town hasn't materialised this week because the blogger is somewhat exhausted having battled Man Flu for the last couple of weeks. Now, my sympathies go out to the male half of the human species because until recently, you've had to suffer not only man flu but other incurable male-only diseases (such as the inability to put things back where you got them from). And my sympathies also to all the women out there who have to live with said afflicted person.
As everyone is aware, the symptoms of man flu are best described as those of the common cold (that afflicts only women) multiplied a million times. Unfortunately, not one treatment helps all the symptoms so, instead, I've outlined the various remedies available.
- Loss of strength - Perhaps the most debilitating symptom, men find they lose all ability to move their arms or legs, or even sit up straight. They are left sofa-bound, unable at times to even lift a finger to change the channel.The Cure - perhaps 'cure' is too optimistic a word for this debilitating symptom. However, it makes sense for the man to have a few long DVDs playing so I'd recommend visiting The Hut or Zavvi for some fab savings during this trialling time.
- Loss of (coherent) speech - This rather odd symptom isn't constant but when it occurs it can be very frustrating for all concerned. For example, it does not seem to afflict a man's ability to shout at the footie but if anyone asks him a question such as 'How are you feeling?' or 'Would you like anything?' his voice-box becomes afflicted and he can only reply in a particularly pathetic, whiney voice. (You can imagine how this affects his ego.) In more severe cases, he may struggle to even form words. The treatment - it is very important to allow the throat to heal and this can be done two-fold. Firstly, try not to speak to him, instead anticipate his every need so that he doesn't have to answer any questions (you can laugh about it later with your girlfriends.) Secondly, invest in a warm scarf for men. This Debenhams voucher code will save you 15% this week.
- The Phantom Fever - Another frustrating symptom, this one presents as a perfectly normal temperature but the man knows better and is concerned that he's 'burning up'. This insipid symptom is so clever it can even fool thermometers. The treatment - Invest in some nice throws and blankets so he can add and remove as he feels necessary (usually every 2 or 3 minutes). The White Company is offering a 10% discount until Christmas. Also, ensure there is a full glass of water within easy reach as all the sighing can be quite drying on his throat.
- Dehydration - As with the common cold, dehydration can be an uncomfortable symptom. However, unlike the common cold, it is particularly debilitating in man flu. The treatment - provide plenty of liquids. Hot toddies are
a particular favourite - lemon, honey, a shot of whisky and warm water.
Many men like to be overly brave and thoughtful, trying to save you
time by foregoing the lemon, honey and water. Don't be fooled by this
- Enhanced volume - coughs, sneezes, sniffs, moans, groans and snoring are all enhanced by several decibels in men suffering from man flu. Usually accompanied by a reflex reaction in the hand which causes it to grasp at their own chest. The treatment - earplugs, for you. Nothing can stop this symptom which is actually the longest lasting of all the symptoms and can sometimes continue for months. Boots is probably your safest bet for finding something to plug your ears and block out the noise. They can also be used when the constant whining gets too much to bear.
I have covered the major symptoms of man flu and their treatments. Obviously, being men, many other symptoms can and do arise out of nowhere. If there is any symptom you need help with, please let me know and I'll try and find the best treatment for it.