16 annoying things that happen on Facebook every Valentine’s Day

Because you know come February 14th that most people you’re ‘friends’ with will make you want to punch yourself in the face/deactivate your account forevermore.

  1. You’ll wake up to a stream of photos of people already having romantic, candlelit dinners. You’ll be confused as to at what point EVERYONE on your Facebook moved to Australia. No, but seriously, what are you all doing over there?
  1. Someone will share a photo of their new grey Tatty Teddy holding a bright red ‘I love you’ heart. You’ll wonder if you’ve gone back in time and are secretly 15 again. Like, who still buys presents from Clinton Cards, huh? HUH?
  1. There’ll be approximately 17 people who write statuses about what a rubbish day Valentine’s Day is and how it’s all one big money-making scheme by card and gift companies. On closer inspection you’ll notice that they’re all single.
  1. Someone you went to school with gets engaged. You screenshot the ring and send it round to everyone you have on Whatsapp.
  1. Someone else uploads a photo of a Eurostar boarding pass to Paris and you hope they have the worst time ever. No, but seriously why aren’t you in Paris? Why has nobody ever taken you to Paris? What even is life?
  1. That girl you used to be friends with in year 7 shares the handmade card she got from her son. You realise it could all be a lot worse, you could be getting pity presents from children.
  1. You start spying old people referring to each other as ‘hubby’ and ‘wifey’ in lovey dovey statuses that are about 500 words long. You become embarrassed for civilisation.
  1. There’s countless ‘suggested posts’ about getting your photographs made into snow globes and heart shaped magnets and mugs for a fiver. You don’t want your photos made into anything, you just want to stalk people in peace.
  1. Every girl under 30 posts a ‘date night outfit’ snap taken in a full-length mirror with an iPhone. 100 per cent of these will include massive hair and red lipstick, 75 per cent of these will involve a pencil skirt, black heels and a crop top.
  1. Someone uploads a photo of heart-shaped fried eggs. You immediately want heart-shaped fried eggs more than anything in the world.
  1. You’ll spot 13 Milk Trays, two boxes of heart shaped Krispy Kreme doughnuts, a handful of red velvet cupcakes and about 16 bottles of fizzy stuff amongst all the photo uploads. You will feel pain and hunger in your belly.
  1. Someone gets a kitten with a red bow around its neck. You hope that the ribbon didn’t hurt the kitten. You want a kitten.
  1. A bunch of single girls all go out for a ‘romantic’ dinner together. They re-label the day Galentine’s Day.
  1. A bunch of single guys go out together for a ‘cheeky Nando’s’ followed by a ‘naughty session in town.’
  1. People that don’t live in London come into the city for a cute little break. They refer to it as ‘the big smoke’ and ‘London town’. You recoil in horror and shake your head with sadness.
  1. Someone mentions that it’s Pancake Day next week. You spend more time than you care to admit thinking about Nutella and maple syrup. You remember why February is the best month of the year after December. You love life.

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