19 thoughts everyone has when planning a holiday

You’re cold, you’re tired, work is making you want to have a little cry under your desk and you’ve got a couple of hundred quid in your savings account that you were going to put towards a new car.

You’ve already decided, it’s going to happen, you’re going on a holiday.

  1. I’d like some sun. Can I get sun for only a few hundred pounds at this time of year? Oooh look, week on the Costa Del Sol for £95 including flights…
  2. Oh, it’s ten degrees in Spain now. I can’t tan in ten degrees, can I?
  3. Oh, and it has no stars and looks an awful lot how I imagine a drug den to look. Hmm, OK, no.
  4. Wait, if that’s only £95, maybe I can afford like Mexico or the Maldives or Thailand or something if I just eat noodles and toast for a while. OH MY GOD THIS IS EXCITING, just think of the possible Instagram uploads. Everyone will be so ridiculously jealous. I love life.
  5. So many infinity pools, so many palm trees, so many sandy beaches. THIS IS IT, THIS IS ME. Oh, huh, casual two grand. I could put this on my credit card…
  6. I won’t put this on my credit card because I’ll end up being on some TV show about people who can’t afford their debts. Maybe I should just go on some glam low-cost city break instead. Sob. So much sob.
  7. Well, Paris and Rome are pretty blinking pricy aren’t they?
  8. Ooh, maybe I should gallivant off somewhere up-and-coming and cool instead, somewhere that doesn’t have the Euro. Ooh, how about somewhere in Eastern Europe maybe?
  9. Uh, Poland and Czech Republic have average temperatures just above freezing at this time of year. I’m going to go with no, absolutely no.
  10. I might just not go on holiday and I’ll have a little cry on the sofa instead because this is ripping my soul into teeny tiny shreds and I’m not strong enough to cope with this sort of challenging pain.
  12. Oh good, someone on TripAdvisor said they found a pube in the shower, cockroach on the bed and compared it to the ‘depths of hell’. I mean, yes, that’s a terrible review, but maybe I should go anyway. Maybe?
  13. Wait, if I go on holiday do I have to take that weird little blue EU health card with me? Does that do anything? Is it the same as travel insurance?
  14. So, here’s a question internet, why is Thomas Cook and LastMinute.com so much more expensive than everywhere else? No, but seriously, why?
  15. I haven’t booked a holiday and I have pretty much no money, BUT HELLO BIKINI IN ASOS SALE.
  16. Ooh, and do I need factor 15 or factor 30? Will I stay pale on 30? I really should buy the higher one just in case… and yes, this factor three oil also. Vital.
  17. Oh look 475855462 different people I went to school with have uploaded their holiday photos of Egypt up on Facebook. Maybe I should just go to Sharm El Sheik. Even if it is a bit y’know, obvious.
  18. 5* All Inclusive for £409. I am going. I am leaving the UK. This is it. Goodbye everyone. Live good lives. Hello, sunshine.
  19. Left it a bit late, but err, how does one get rid of this excess belly fat?

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